By Gregg Dean
After a short and unhappy stab at a lasting relationship, I moved back in with my parents.
Shirley was big on monogamy, I exercised my right to have a different view.
She chucked me out of our apartment.
Ok. Her apartment.
It was hardly my fault either.
You see, Lucy is the barmaid at the Duck and Fathers and she has big tits.
I mean big.
She could wrap them in fur and put them up round her ears to keep them warm on a frosty day.
Yes, they were big.
And she fancied me.
Shirley was at home watching a video of ER and the lovely Doctor Ross, while Lucy was giving me the come-on in the public bar.
At my earliest convenience I left the company I was with, taking care not to knock over any one's beer with my erection and followed Lucy down into the cellar.
With little preamble, she pulled down her little white panties, sat on one of the lager barrels and gave me a wink of the pink.
Her pussy lips were spread open and the inner flesh was soft and moist.
"Come on Gregg. Are you going to watch all night or stuff it in?"
Lucy's ability to add romance to the moment still haunts me today.
"Don't worry. No one's going to see us."
I opened raised her sweater to reveal her bra.
This was an awesome affair, constructed from marine strength sail canvas, steel cables and an advanced cantilever action which prevented Lucy from kicking her tits as she walked.
With the correct rigging they could have kept two boy scouts warm and dry on a wet weekend.
I opened the underside of the canvas titty covers, liberating acres of mammary flesh.
Her nipples were surprisingly small and became pert and hard after a vigorous sucking.
She moaned, pulling my head into the mound of breasts, covering my nose and mouth.
She yanked my groin toward her gaping love passage, unaware that her head lock on me was depriving me of air.
"I know what you want." She hissed.
"I know what you need - you want to poke my pussy."
Not strictly true - what I wanted was oxygen, the poke coming a close second.
She released her grip on my head to undo my belt and get my old man out which she guided into her waiting pussy.
I obligingly slipped my old man inside her flesh and gave a few hard shoves.
She began to moan again softly.
With each thrust she moaned a little louder.
She gripped my bare buttocks in her fleshy hands and pulled my stiff dick into her moist quim in a fast rhythmic motion.
Her moans became small screams until the glass in the windows began to rattle each time she pushed me home.
At last she came and I felt able to relax enough to shoot my load with a satisfying climax.
I now hoped that the noises hadn't attracted the attention of the pub upstairs.
When we emerged, blinking in the glare of the pub lights, the entire clientele of the pub sat in silence as we came up from the cellar adjusting our clothes.
Then everyone burst into spontaneous applause.
Unfortunately one of Shirley's friends was drinking in the pub that night.
I don't mind getting thrown out by a girlfriend, I just hate being misunderstood.
"Look Shirley," I reasoned "we had already agreed that we were going to see other people in our relationship."
I remembered the occasion very well. Shirley was sat watching ER as Dr. Ross was trying to extract a massive piece of industrial machinery which had become lodged in some guy's arse in an a shop floor accident.
I suspect that it was really a case of couple of gays fooling around with a pile driver and a fork lift truck.
You know the kind.
A man goes into hospital with a banana disappearing up his rear end and tries to convince the doctors that he fell on the fruit bowl while taking a shower.
Anyway I digress.
"Don't you remember?" I asked Shirley. "I said to you 'Shirley, we have an open relationship' to which you replied 'You got that right.'"
"What I thought you said was 'a hopeless relationship'."
"Then I wasn't unfaithful. Just misunderstood."
We played a quick game of charades. Two words.
The first word appeared to be "FUCK".
So I'm back with Mum and Dad.
"I've a got a little news that'll excite you." Mum tells me after being home for two days.
News rarely excites me.
Perhaps some young woman saying "Quick, my husband's home" or "Gregg, I had a doctor's appointment this morning" might raise the heart rate slightly but this was truly exciting.
"Hamilton's home for a week and here's staying here."
Hamilton was a mate of mine at school who joined the Navy five years ago.
As we had grown up together, it was Hamilton that introduced me to masturbation.
We spent long hours in his room, reading his father's collection of top shelf material, wanking ourselves into insensibility.
The blisters cleared up after a week or so.
He watched me lose my virginity to a girl called "No-knickers"
Nicola. No-knickers was seventeen, I was fifteen and the experience was unforgettable.
We were in the fields behind Hamilton's house. No-knickers came into the field noisily chewing gum.
"Hello you two." She said and sat down opposite us.
"What you doing?"
She sat down on the grass with her knees up and her legs slightly apart.
From this vantage point we could see her young muff.
In the same instant there appeared to be a lack of space in my trousers.
I adjusted my growing member in a manner I supposed to be discreet.
No-knickers caught the movement in the corner of her eye, grinned and widened her legs.
She pretended not to notice as I gazed at her open pussy.
I swallowed hard and tried to change position again.
We sat in silence for several moments as speech was impossible.
I looked at Hamilton who was openly playing with his cock.
"Okay," said No-knickers in business-like fashion, "who's going first?"
She stretched out on the grass, pulling her skirt over her hips.
"What do I do?" I rasped.
"Shit." She hissed. "First, get your cock out."
I obligingly pulled out my engorged penis where she took it in her hand and played with it.
"Don't you come yet." She instructed. I nodded dumbly.
She spat her gum out in elegant and erotic fashion.
She then massaged my penis slowly then pushed me back on the grass.
She removed her clothing completely and straddled me, sliding my cock in her little pussy.
At the same time she pulled Hamilton's cock free of his trousers and lowered her mouth onto the tip of it.
Slowly moving her hips over my groin and sucking on Hamilton's young tool, she popped two cherries in one go.
When it was over No-knickers wiped herself on the grass and had no more to do with us as her speciality appeared to be first-time boys.
Years later I saw standing outside a shop. I asked her if she still went sans panties.
At that moment her husband stepped out the shop where I hadn't noticed he had been standing.
Whether I had been foolish or brave in asking her this personal question was a point of fierce debate.
Well it occupied the paramedics until we reached the hospital.
When Hamilton's parents died while he was away on duty, he began to use our home as a base.
My parents then saw him almost as a second son.
It was Hamilton who introduced me to prostitutes.
I can't cook.
Everything I try to make tastes like a gro-bag.
I could burn water making a boiled egg I'm that bad, so I don't mind paying for a big Mac or a plate of chips.
I can't change the oil in my car so I don't mind paying for a grease monkey to put the oil in where ever it's meant to go.
But sex is different. All the while I'm on good terms with my right hand, I don't ever intend paying for it. I have an aversion to sexually transmitted money. Hamilton doesn't mind.
In fact he enjoys paying for it.
During his last period of shore leave I met Shula. Hamilton was a regular for Shula. Actually that's a little inaccurate as she never asked Hamilton for money.
He was a good lay for her and an hour's good company.
Shula was pretty, slightly plump and about twice my age.
Not that I mind older women, though not too old. Nothing wrinkly.
The last thing any young man wants is to knock about with a woman who looks like she could do with a good ironing.
The most notable thing about Shula was her dog, Captain.
Captain was a Great Dane.
And Captain was huge - about the size of a family saloon.
So big you might have put a saddle on him and gone fox hunting.
I suspected the animal was really her pimp as no one was going to get stroppy with Shula with Captain there, ready to take over negotiations as only a big bastard dog can.
Shula was skilled in pleasuring men and worth watching.
"Do you mind if my mate watches?" asked Hamilton. Shula shrugged and pulled off her clothing.
She may have been plump, but she was firm and her breasts were not over-large.
They chatted easily as Hamilton got undressed.
"Haven't seen this little man in a while." She said, taking his dick in her hands.
I watched as she massaged baby oil into the head and shaft of his cock.
Hamilton closed his eyes and lay on the big circular bed. Taking the oil from her, Hamilton began to rub the oil into her firm flesh.
He kissed her neck and face, bit her ear, all the time working the oil into her pert breasts, her thighs and stomach.
Finally he reached her secret crevice and Shula arched her back with pleasure.
She groaned softly and I became aware of my own need.
Hamilton sucked her breasts at first slowly, then with vigour.
Shula wriggled beneath his hand movements as he played with the hard bud of her swollen clitoris.
Her hand reached out and took Hamilton's penis, rubbed it hard and rolled him onto his back.
She began to suck on his cock.
Turning around into a perfect 69 position, she dumped her moist pussy onto his waiting mouth.
I rubbed at my aching crotch watching this mutual pleasuring.
After what seemed an eternity of sucking, Shula came, groaning and writhing, grinding her cunt down onto Hamilton's face.
At that moment Hamilton released his own load into her mouth.
After a moment more they rolled apart. "I have something new for you." She whispered.
Reaching into a drawer, Shula took a blindfold out placed it over Hamilton's eyes.
"Oh wow." I could see Hamilton's sense of anticipation grow, and with it the size of his cock.
"Kneel up on the bed." She instructed.
I watched with curiosity as he complied.
As a foretaste of pleasures to come, she reached through between his legs and took hold of his cock, working it slowly.
"I'll be back in a moment." Shual skipped lightly from the room.
For a minute Hamilton looked stupid, kneeling on the bed, blindfolded while Shula went to get . . . what?
I followed her out of the room but stopped outside the door after I heard Hamilton moaning and groaning with pleasure.
"Oh yes. I love my balls being touched. That's good. That is very good. Don't stop."
I re-entered the bedroom. Hamilton was definitely enjoying the moment.
He sighed with pleasure, barely able to stop himself from collapsing with ecstasy.
Hamilton never find out what it was that gave him so much pleasure.
Some day I'll have to ask him what it's like to kneel on a prostitute's bed and have a Great Dane lick your bollocks.
I could go on. I could probably write an entire book based on the experiences I shared with Hamilton.
If I did it will probably start:
After a short and unhappy stab at a lasting relationship, I moved back in with my parents . . .
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