Love Lost

by Linda Chorlton
(April 2001)

Some people say "Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." Whoever said that has never been through what I've been through - and I'm so very sure that they're not right.
It's been over a year now, and I can't get her out of my thoughts. I don't understand why she did what she did. Maybe before you get totally confused, I should tell you my story so you'll understand the depth of pain, uncertainty, and confusion I feel.

I should probably tell you a bit about myself - I've been a "computer nerd" most of my life, and in high school I only had 2 dates. In college, I decided to change my image a bit, and I was pretty successful.
I grew to weigh 200 pounds (muscle) traded my nerd-glasses for contacts, and consulted a few friends on my wardrobe. Funny, but it didn't change my "luck" with women as much as I thought it would. I'd found out early it wasn't what's inside that first attracts a woman, it's what they think they see on the outside. At least, that's what I thought. But now that I was "attractive", I still wasn't meeting anyone. Hmmm...

I always thought I was "husband material" - you know, successful,
intelligent, didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, and so on - but then again, not having had the opportunity to be very social, what did I know?
One day, I was attending a company meeting at work, and across the room I locked eyes with an angel. She was gorgeous! Blonde hair, bluegreen eyes, and as much as I could see of her figure were all heavenly. I felt like a lifetime of needs and desires had somehow swirled together and conjured up this vision of loveliness. I forgot my shyness - I HAD to know who she was, and get to know her.
Over the following weeks, I managed to "conveniently" run into her around the office. It seemed she worked in a different department as a secretary. Her name was Lindy-Lou, and she soon began to dominate my every
waking thought - not to mention my dreams! I was getting increasingly frustrated, because I was so shy and keyed-up in person that all I could stammer was a meek "hi" whenever I saw her. My big break came one Friday
afternoon, when I got an e-mail message from Lindy-Lou. Why hadn't I thought of e-mail before?

Contrary to my real-life personality, on computers I'm powerful - a king, a god maybe. There's nothing I can't do, given time, and no problem I can't solve. When real life gets too tough, I can
always hide in the safety of the green glow of the terminal
screen. And when things are so bad that I'm afraid to sleep, that
green has been known to glow all night...

When Lindy-Lou wrote me the first letter, I had no trouble writing back to her. Separated from her by hundreds of yards of wire, it was very easy to talk, to tell her she was beautiful, to tell
her .... almost anything. I guess it was the same for her, too,
because within several messages we'd covered almost every topic -
especially sex! Boy, this woman had a *mind*, I tell you. I would ache after reading one of her messages, and of course, I'd be unable to move away from my desk for several minutes until the swelling went down!
When I told her that, she laughed, and said, enigmatically, "Good".
As the days went on, we got to know each other better over mail, and I began to notice certain changes in me, in my perception of the world. My
terminal held less and less of a fascination for me - that was the major
change. I noticed I was looking outside more, admiring the beauty of the flowers, trees, birds, the squirrels that came up to the window - and then it hit me: I was in love. Head over heels, up to my neck, and all those old cliches suddenly somehow seemed applicable, whereas before
they were corny. My heart DID sing, my eyes sparkled, there *was* a spring in my step - and everyone noticed. I was madly in love - and I'd never even had lunch with the woman. Well, I would change that!
In my next letter to her, I suggested lunch. She responded by suggesting
a picnic lunch at the nearby park, and said she'd take care of the food
and the driving. We met at her car the next day, and let me tell you, my heart was pounding a mile a minute! She was sooooo beautiful! I was
frustrated, because now that I was with her, I saw I didn't have the "guts" I had found so easily when writing over the terminal. Lindy-Lou instantly picked up on my discomfort.

"Do I make you nervous?" she asked.

"Um, well, a little, I suppose." I replied.

"Me too. I feel like I'm on my first date or something!" She laughed.
Her laughter and her confession made me feel more at ease. I was determined that my shyness was *not* going to spoil our lunch! If I behaved myself and played my cards right, I might even get a chance to
give her a kiss...
"Here we are!" She stopped the car and jumped out, and went to the boot
to get out the food and a blanket. It was a nice park. Plenty of
trees, and gently rolling hills. And since it was in the middle of a
business complex, there weren't any noisy kids around to break the silence. We found a nice spot near some trees, on the "down side"
of one of the hills, and I spread the blanket. Lindy-Lou took off her shoes and threw herself down on her stomach, her legs moving slowly back
and forth in the air. The dress she had on was very flattering, and
I noticed the curves and swells of her body. Her dress had pulled up slightly, and I could see the backs of her thighs gently flexing as she kicked back and forth... God, she was so entrancing! I
reluctantly broke my gaze away from her, and sat down next to her on the blanket. Then, realising I should appear more relaxed, I lay back and stared up at the sky.

"Nice day" she said. I turned to her and smiled.

"Yeah, I..." But I never finished. I had turned and was staring
straight into those hypnotically beautiful aquamarine eyes. They
came closer and closer, and suddenly her lips were pressed against mine
in a quick little kiss. She drew back and smiled, a beautiful smile,
and all I could do was stare in fascination. I couldn't move or speak.
I saw her come toward me again, and I briefly thought "am I supposed
to be closing my eyes?" when she kissed me again. Longer. She opened her eyes and looked straight into mine.
"What are you doing?" she said laughing. "Come here, you..."
She moved over until she was laying partially on top of me, and suddenly I could move again. I grabbed her and pulled her more on me, and brought her head down to kiss me ... mmm - forever. She pulled away after a bit.
"There's a lot of passion locked up inside you", she said quietly
smiling. I just nodded, and pulled her to me again. She kissed me - hard and long. She was warm, she was wet, she was wonderful. And every
so often I'd open my eyes and stare into hers, and melt. There was nothing else on earth but Lindy-Lou and me, and our passion. Beyond her was
the sky with puffy white clouds, and it was easy to imagine nothing else around us but white clouds. There was no sound above the wind through the trees, except for our breathing which was growing heavier by the minute. I felt her tongue lick my lips and run delicately along my
teeth, and I rather clumsily pushed my tongue out to touch hers.

I pulled her closer, and our kissing became so passionate and furious that I felt the back of my head mashing the blanket into the grass below us. This was truly Heaven on earth - I never wanted it to end.

But suddenly she stopped and pulled away from me, and lay on her back
next to me. There was a beautiful, contented/thoughtful half-smile on her pretty lips. I took a second or two to catch my breath, but
I knew I couldn't let those lips go unkissed much longer. I rolled over until I was partially on her, and gave her a long, slow gentle kiss.
She put one arm around my neck and drew me to her for more kissing, and I
felt the other arm work its way to my chest, and slowly start to undo
the buttons on my shirt. Her cool hand went inside and massaged my back,
side, and chest. By this time, I don't need to tell you that I was
having a natural reacton (for the circumstances), and it was the biggest,
hardest reaction I'd ever had in my life! I had accepted it up until
this point, because I had been lying comfortably on my back, but now,
in this new position, I had one leg draped over hers, and my whole
lower body was pressed against one of her luscious thighs. I had read
some erotic literature in the past, and I'd seen the (overused) term "throbbing hard-on" before, but this was the first time I'd
experienced the "throbbing" part - and ooohhh, did it feel good!
The blood was pounding so hard down there, keeping time
with the quick beatings of my heart, and I thought, "surely she can feel that!" As much as it went against my better judgement, I pulled away from her leg in embarrassment.

"Oh, it's OK", she smiled as she pulled me back onto her. She must have read my mind! "How does that feel? Does that feel gooood?" God, what a
voice! And what a ridiculously obvious question! Our lips locked in
another, mouth-watering kiss, and I pressed hard against her thigh. I
thought any second I would explode, covering the inside of my shorts
with hot stickiness.

Her hand, which was still massaging my chest, dropped down lower, past
my belt - and oh my god! Lindy-Lou was incredible. The touch of her
strong fingers stroking me through my pants, while her smooth
silk-stockinged thigh was pressing from the other side, was more than I could stand. I cast all embarrassment aside, and furiously ground my hips into her waiting hand, while kissing and tongueing her for all I was worth.

"Mmmm..." What was that? Did that come from *my* throat? I stopped
kissing for just a second. Up until now, I'd been quiet except
for my heavy breathing. And the few times I'd made love in the past, I'd been fairly quiet about it - I was way too self-conscious. Before
I had time to think much more, Lindy-Lou, smiling, pulled me back to kiss
her. There it was again, starting somewhere deep inside me, trying to force its way out! I tried, but there was no way I could completely stifle my moaning cries. I couldn't believe she could coax the sounds out of me, but she did. At first they were small choking sounds,
whimpers of pleasure and passion - and then I was beyond caring. My
squirming body was now intertwined with hers, and my sounds of ecstacy
grew louder until Lindy-Lou stopped kissing and rubbing me, and put
two fingers to my lips.

"Sshhhh, lover...." she whispered as she looked around us to see if
anyone had heard. No one had, and with joint sighs of relief, we
lay there and held each other for a while, me still panting and gasping
for breath. Suddenly, Lindy-Lou pushed me off of her, got up, and brushed
herself off. She tugged at the blanket until I rolled off and stood
up (well, I did the best I could, anyway...)

"Come on", she said, and with the blanket in one hand and my arm in
the other, she led me away to who-knows-where. I was still dazed.
Where were we going? Why had she stopped? Why the hell couldn't I
walk? She practically dragged me down the side of one of the steeper
hills, and I almost fell. A light wind had sprung up, and it cleared
my head a little. What time was it, anyway? A glance at my watch
showed it had been TWO hours. Uh oh. No big deal for me, really,
I didn't have anything going on that afternoon at the office. But
Lindy-Lou was an hourly employee. What about her boss? Wouldn't he
wonder where she was? I knew one thing - we weren't heading back to
the car, that's for sure!

At the bottom of the hill, a small clump of trees came into view, and
it seemed to me like Lindy-Lou was heading for these. Yup. In we went.
In the middle of them all was a small clearing, just about blanket
size. Lindy-Lou gave a last look around, spread the blanket on the
ground, and pushed me back down on it. Her face was flushed, her
breathing was heavy - heavier than I would have thought from that
easy hillside descent. I started to ask her about work, but she
cut me off with a passionate kiss - and I forgot, well, I forgot
everything. Soon we were kissing and touching like before, but
this time I had the presence of mind to reciprocate.

I began lightly stroking her thigh, and gradually moved up under her
dress. Her stockings went all the way up to her waist, and I figured
it would be a bit forward of me to pull them down, so instead I moved
slowly inward. Before my fingers reached their destination, Lindy-Lou
arched and twisted her hips - and my fingers met the warm, wet stocking
material. Wow. It's one thing to get intense pleasure, but it was
a rush of a different sort to know you are *giving* it right back!
Soon, little moans and gasps were coming from her beautiful lips, and
I felt like it was time for her to lose those stockings, at least!
Evidently, she felt the same way - before my hand found the top of the
nylon/panty part and pulled them down, her hands were already at my
belt. I could only imagine the feeling I was about to experience.

No I couldn't! Not even my imagination prepared me for the incredible
sensation that went through me. For a second I couldn't see or hear
anything - my entire attention was focused on the FEELING of her
loving hands, gently caressing. Then my whole body shook as waves of
pleasure crashed over me, and I crushed her to me as though she
couldn't get close enough. I felt her hands guide me inside her, and
I felt warm wetness as I slowly slid in all the way.

At this point, words fail me. I can barely keep my fingers from
termbling as I type this. I remember never having felt so excited,
loved, aroused, and happy all at once. I remember I was supporting
myself slightly with my arms, as I pushed back and forth - and I
remember my left hand was digging into the grass and brown earth in
my uncontrollable passion.

There was no way I could keep from coming - a million "old tricks"
flashed through my mind, but I was so caught up in the moment, the touch
of her hands moving up and down my back and sides, her warm eager mouth exploring mine, and oh god, the feeling of her muscles contracting around me, that I couldn't have used any of those tricks to save my life.
And then..

Voices! People were walking this way! Lindy-Lou and I both heard them
at the same time, and we froze, not even daring to breath. If I hadn't
been so scared of being discovered, it would have been funny. A guy and
his girlfriend were walking, hand in hand, right towards us! I just knew
they were going to come in and see us. They came within a few yards of
the trees, and then I heard the girl say "that area looks better" - and
they turned and headed off to the left.

Lindy-Lou and I looked at each other and burst out laughing. I laughed
until I cried, and then I stopped as Lindy-Lou began kissing and licking the tears away. I was still quite hard inside her, and I started responding to her kisses by gently moving and rotating my hips. She gasped and smiled at me, and then kissed me harder. She tried to bring her knees up along side of me, but her stockings weren't all the way off and she couldn't - in fact, the top of the stockings seemed to
be caught on something. Or rather, *two* somethings...! Now, every time
I started to slide back out, her stockings caught me right up underneath and kept me from pulling out too far! God, that felt good! We both realized what was happening, and with a slight sensually nasty smile, she raised her knees even farther until I could barely move. The feeling was indescribable. I went crazy on her. No longer supporting myself, I reached around her with my arms and held her tight. She dug her fingers into my back and pushed herself up, pressing against
me. That was all I could take, and I exploded inside her for what
seemed like forever.

Even after I caught my breath, I could still feel myself pumping away
inside her, contracting and shooting the warm liquid brought up by the
fury of our passion. I looked up at Lindy-Lou, and she was smiling at me -
a very satisfied, fulfilled, womanly smile. I kissed her.

Back in the car, my mind was going a mile a minute. This weekend, I'd
go check out jewelry stores, and see what diamonds would cost me. A woman like that deserves the best, and I'd use my whole savings if need
be. I was NOT going to let this one get away! I turned to watch her beautiful face as she drove. She saw me out of the corner of her eyes, and smiled, and took my hand...

I remember I went cold the following Monday, when I heard Lindy-Lou had
been fired Friday for her extended lunch. When I heard that her
husband had phoned her boss to complain about it, my coldness turned to ice. Why hadn't she told me? How could she have done what she did to me? What was so wrong with me, that someone could think they
could do something like that and have everything be OK? That really said
a lot about my worth as a human being. I tried to take a leave of
absence from work, but the inactivity made me think of her all the more so I quickly went back. I'd never hurt so much in all my life.

That was just over a year go. I saw Lindy-Lou the other day - she was driving the opposite way, and didn't see me. It prompted me to write this, and it also reminded me once again that the green glow of the terminal screen was, and always will be, my best friend.

Well, it's 3:44 a.m., I might as well try and get some sleep. I won't be writing as I crawl into bed and pull up the covers, but I can tell you what it'll be like. It hasn't changed for about a year now.

I reach back and flip the switch off, and listen to the drives grind
quickly to a halt. I turn out the lights, and climb into bed. The
green phosphorescence of the screen still glows like a friendly face in a dark world of uncertainty, deceit, and confusion.

A watery film begins to cover my eyes, so I can no longer see the screen, as the green slowly fades into black.