by Julie (Aug 2001)
CAMILLA's EROTIC WRITING
Julie was a strange girl in some ways. She had led a normal upbringing in a normal family but from the age of 12 she was aware that she was always going to be different. Her family never knew, they were a close family but this was not the sort of thing that was ever likely to be discussed ˆ her breasts. To any casual observer there was nothing unusual about her breasts. Yes, they were small but a 32aa bra is an off the shelf size and well in proportion to her height of 5 feet 2 and her slight build. Anyone would observe that she had a figure that lots would admire, no spare weight, a flat tummy and good skin.
But Julie was always very conscious of her breasts, not to the point of obsession, but enough to guide most of what dictated her personality. At the age of 12, with the onset of puberty, her breasts budded then formed a good shape, but stopped at 32aa. By the age of 16 Julie was aware that she had the fully developed body that would see her through her life. Initially she yearned for larger breasts, especially when her sister, then 13, had moved into 34a, and would later aspire to a shapely 34b. Now though, at the age of 25, Julie was happy with her shape, and almost comfortable with it. She had considered surgery but, after seeing TV documentaries, decided against it.
The risk of silicon leakage was too great; the resultant breast often looked too veiny, and once done the nipples would no longer function. Julie needed her nipples, though still childless and without plans to change that just yet she wanted to keep her breast feeding options open. Julie had also tried padded and uplift bras. Both bras took away her natural shape and the uplift bras were uncomfortable, clearly breasts, hers anyway, were not designed for padding in one corner to make an unnatural attempt at a cleavage. It was for another reason that Julie wore soft full cup underwired bras. The underwiring gave her the best possible shape, the soft cups gave her breasts the freedom to move when needed. It was the full cup that was dictated by an experience when she was 16 and still at school.
Julie was sitting in the cloakroom chatting with her friend Petra. They had been friends a long time and shared a lot of school girl type secrets. But this chat turned out to be different. Whilst they were chatting Petra leaned over and touched the buttons on Julie's blouse. Julie thought nothing of it; they often fixed up each other's clothes and brushed off hair, threads, crumbs and the like. But this time Petra had undone one button. Before Julie realised what had happened Petra had slipped one hand inside Julie's blouse and cupped her breast. In the same movement she leaned over, drew Julie nearer with the intruding hand and kissed Julie full and passionately on the lips. To her surprise Julie responded and for ten seconds they were locked in an embrace before being interrupted by footsteps running down the corridor outside. The embrace broke and Julie and Petra looked at each other, Julie in surprise still and quickly doing up her button. "What was that for?" Julie asked after a few seconds. To this day Julie can still remember the exact words Petra said: "I wanted to see what your tits were like".
Even now Julie is not sure what that embrace was all about. Was Petra a lesbian, was it a school girl crush? Julie was sure that, if Petra had just asked, that she would have gladly shown Petra her breasts. It would have been in the privacy of a bedroom, they were always in each other's room at the weekend or evenings trying on clothes and listening to CDs. It wouldn't have been unusual for her to be wearing just a bra whilst trying on a new top. Julie as sure that she would have slipped off her bra and thought nothing of it, she would have liked to have seen Petra's breasts too. They were a full 36c, Petra had told her many times. The friendship between them faded rapidly and after they left school they never met again.
Before that event, Julie had no real hang ups about her breasts. At the time of the incident Julie was wearing a normal balconette bra, half cups just showing the inner quarter of the breasts. Now Julie felt the need to cover them completely though even this was something of a paradox. Although Julie wouldn't let anybody actually see her breasts she had no problems with people seeing the shape of them, in fact she needed it. Julie had a fondness for close fitting clothes. Outside work Julie would wear tight tops that emphasised her figure. If not wearing tight tops then Julie liked to wear baggy white shirts, tucked in and overlapping, but not buttoned up.
This style kept her shape a mystery whilst allowing the odd glimpse through the wrap to see her bra. At night clubs Julie liked to wear a mans string vest with a bra underneath. The colours would be white vests with a black bra or vice versa, sometimes she would match the colours. For work Julie made her own clothes now. The petite ranges on offer suited the older woman. Julie had a dress pattern that she liked and was clever enough to make variations on it, different fabrics, different neck lines etc. Using a mannequin she made the dresses to fit her shape in a way that respected office needs. Even the mannequin was a problem. An adult one couldn't be made small enough and a child's one didn't match her shape. In the end she modified a child's one by giving it hips to match her 32" and by making paper mache breasts in one of her old bras.
It was true that Julie would allow no one to see her naked breasts, even herself at times. At the end of the day, when showered or bathed, Julie liked to relax in her pyjamas. Under her pyjamas Julie would always wear a trainer bra, like budding teenagers wear. This gave her comfort as she was always fully covered. At night she would leave the trainer bra on, on hot nights she would sleep in the just the bra and shorts. Even Julie's boyfriend, Dave, had not seen her naked in full light. Julie was always careful to have subdued lighting when they were intimate and she would always face away when dressing.
She had met Dave on a bus. They shared the same route home from work. It was only when they agreed to date that Dave realised what size she was. On the bus journey she had always been sitting before he arrived and after he got off, one stop ahead of hers. This was lucky because it was important to Julie that her size was not a defining issue to Dave. Julie had had two boyfriends who had asked her to dress up as a school girl. Julie could easily pass as a school girl, her face had not aged yet beyond that of a teenager. Careful suncare had seen to that. These boyfriends were dismissed without any further consideration, Julie had to be seen as a woman, not a sex toy.
It was a long time into Julie and Dave's relationship before they became intimate. They kissed and cuddled a lot but Julie was sure to arrange that Dave could not move ahead before she was sure of his motives. But she had nothing to worry about, Dave was understanding and, though it was never discussed, was prepared to wait.
Julie was fully aware of her own sexuality. Never, since that school day, did she consider herself a lesbian or even bisexual. She did look at females in a way that perhaps men might. Observing breasts was something of a preoccupation for Julie, but not in a sexual way. She liked to look at the size and shape of them, imagine how they might look in the nude or in ten years time. She wondered how the woman might feel about her breasts, was she comfortable with them? She liked the way some breasts rose and fell with walking and whether the woman was aware of it. She wondered what kind of bra the woman used and whether they sagged on the bra's removal. She looked at the breasts that men might not even think twice about, older ladies with good figure and flat chested girls whose body should dictate a larger breast. Most of all she wondered how the woman used them sexually.
Masturbation, an activity well known to Julie. Most evenings Julie would masturbate one way or another. Often she wondered if she was wrong to do it so often or even at all now that she had Dave. But masturbation was a way that Julie could relax and explore her sexuality. There were different ways that Julie excited herself. Sometimes she would just soap her breasts while bathing. Because of her hang up with seeing her breasts Julie would always strip naked except for her bra, this she took off once she was sat in the bath before quickly sliding under the bubbles. Once under the bubbles she would gently finger her nipples till they felt erect then draw lines where her breasts met her body, this was her most sensitive spot, her g spot maybe. Julie could then bring herself slowly to orgasm by caressing her breasts until that special female moment.
If she wanted to spoil herself, Julie would shower first then climb into a clear bath in just her panties and trainer bra, leaving them both on. This orgasm was to be achieved by sliding her hand inside her wet panties, just watching herself do this made her tingle. She would watch her wet panties rise as her fingers explored, saving the clitoris for a long time. Gently probing her outer lips was enough to make her nipples erect, she loved to watch them pushing their shape through the wet trainer bra. Her nipples were also small, in proportion to her breasts, but it seemed to her that they were very sensititive. She would take her hands out and finger her wet shape through the panties. When Julie felt that the water was starting to cool she would bring herself to orgasm with gentle upward strokes on her, now firm, clitoris. She wouldn't touch her breasts, just watching them wet through the bra was enough. Once out of the bath Julie pulled the towel around herself like you might dry a child, not wishing to see those breasts.
Not liking her naked breasts seen was a problem for Julie. When buying a new bra she always liked to be measured. The assistant must have thought it strange when seeing Julie close her eyes the first time she was measured, now she was used to it. Julie dreaded the day this woman would retire. That apart Julie liked buying bras. She loved the feel of the new fabric against her skin, she always bought the best she could afford at the time. Often she would get a mail order catalogue and order maybe ten bras to try on, it had to be right. Even bikinis had to be carefully selected. It must be a full cup, no breast skin to be seen. Some seasons there was nothing to suit her needs so last year's had to do. At least they made underwired bikinis now to help her shape.
Late summer evenings were one of Julie's favourite times. If she wasn't going out she would go up early to bed, the sun shining through the window. This was one time she would go naked. Julie would pour a very large whiskey and drink it straight down, preparing for what she called her slut time. After the ten minutes it took to take effect Julie would strip right off a lay naked on the sheets, the covers pulled right back.
Lying on her back she would watch herself massage her small breasts, looking at them as toys to be played with. Using baby moisturising cream she would have them gently sliding through her fingers, making different shapes. In her mind Julie had imagined using household objects to arouse herself internally. In the past she had thought of knife handles, hair brushes and even a wineglass to rub herself with. She decided against this, her fingers did the job well enough. A vibrator was not needed, Julie had sufficient control over her orgasm to not need it. She called it the slut time because she would finger herself until she was very wet between the folds before frantically bringing herself to orgasm not stopping until she had to roll into the featal position to recover.
Julie liked to play squash. It was the only exercise she took apart from the 30 minute walk to and from the bus stop. Weight training had appealed to her but within weeks of starting she began to get visible muscle definition, spoiling her rounded girl like shape. It was during a game of squash that she first felt her breasts bouncing. Initially she liked the feeling of the movement before realising that the gentle tissue that gave her breasts their shape may be damaged. At Marks & Spencer she was again measured and fitted with a sports bra. Julie learned that for the smaller breast the bra just held the breast tight.
The 34a bra seemed OK in the shop, maybe her period had enlarged them slightly, and Julie should have known that. After the first squash game with the new bra Julie found that she had joggers nipple. Her little teats had gone red raw and were bleeding. Of this problem however something good was to come. Julie's doctor, a lady, advised Julie of a method that she used. The doctor also had small breasts and did a lot of running in the days when it was fashionable to do so. The solution was simple, to wrap them as tight as was comfortable using a crepe bandage ˆ and it worked, no more joggers nipple.
Two things came of this, one happened in the bedroom and one in public and both with Dave. The first came about by chance fooling about, the second was a way of satisfying a long standing fantasy:
It was on the beach that the first happened. They had gone to a quiet beach, quiet but not entirely deserted. Dave was lying on his back resting, they had just had a swim. Julie was reapplying his sun lotion for him, something that Dave liked her to do. Fooling about she kneeled either side of his stomach facing his feet. As she applied the lotion to his thighs she teased him by brushing his trunks. Dave began to get an erection so, after looking around Julie slid her hand down his trunks, still with sun lotion on. Carefully she massaged him until he was erect, now fully recovered from the coolness of the water.
Making sure that it was all clear she loosened the draw string enough to expose him fully. With more lubricating sun tan lotion now applied she slowly brought him to ejaculation. As she did this she imagined that it was her penis, being as it was, between her legs, which were now moist with a new found excitement. Even though Dave had come she continued to slide her hands up and down imagining what it was to have a penis. With semen and sun tan lotion on her hands she was in no position to climax herself and Dave, having been satisfied, was not motivated to help. The time of the month was also wrong.
That evening, at her home, they went to the bedroom early. Julie had got plans. She got Dave to lay across the bed, feet hanging over the end and naked. Unknown to Dave, Julie then bound down her breasts with the crepe bandage and put on a t shirt. Now she was completely flat chested, just like a boy. She had a fresh tampon in and no panties as she sat astride him again. She moved until their pubic hairs mingled. Using the duvet she covered her own legs and now, looking down, Dave's penis and legs were hers.
She imagined what she would do if she were a boy alone, slowly she applied baby lotion to his now-waking tool. Her own juices began to flow as she massaged his balls and knob. Using one hand around him she brought him off for the second time that day whilst climaxing herself with the other hand. Julie loved the way that she had full control over him, especially his orgasm, she could feel when he was near and would back off to delay him, it was her decision when he would erupt. Dave also enjoyed it, he fantasised that it was another man wanking him off ˆ a fantasy he knew he would never enact in reality. When Dave told Julie of this she told him of her secret fantasy, in sharing their innermost sexual dreams they became closer as a couple.
Dave was able to help Julie with her fantasy, and the breast binding was also a part of it. Julie wanted to experience the part of the world that girls are excluded from ˆ boys toilets. She dressed as a young man with her breasts bound tightly. A baseball cap hid her hair. With Dave to lead her they visited men's toilets in a town some 50 miles away. Julie would still have been recognised by her friends. In the toilets they stood at the urinals, Julie between Dave and any other unsuspecting man. Looking across at her strange neighbour Julie would undo her flies and finger her clitoris. Climaxing was out of the question, Julie had masturbated standing up once, she fell over. The excitement came from the arousal and the fear of being caught or challenged. They only did this two times, it was enough to satisfy her needs.
With these shared fantasies exposed Julie felt it was time to progress her relationship with Dave. In 18 months they had not made love and Dave did not know that he was to be the first to go there. Julie told Dave that he was to be the first but that she would tell him when. Dave was OK with this, they already had a good sex life and this would just be the last step. What Julie did not tell Dave was that she as going to try and break the breast phobia at the same time.
So the sex life was already good and varied. Dave always started his foreplay with her breasts. Sometimes he would lay on top of her and press his trunks into her panties to begin their arousal. Then they would lie alongside each other, Julie on her back, Dave facing her on his side. He knew well enough that she would not remove her bra except on winter nights when she would candle light the room. During the summer he was content to fondle her through or under the bra, often it got soaked with massage lotion and slid around her breasts in a way that they both enjoyed. When Julie was ready, for it was always her dictating the pace, she would slide his hand into her panties. She loved to leave them on in the same way as when she masturbated in the bath. In the early days she would lead his fingers to her favourite places but now he could do that on his own. Now she would sometimes just help him for her own fun.
Other times she would take over from Dave in playing with her breasts. Dave loved to watch her doing both of these games and always complemented her actions, to see the forbidden act of female masturbation was something that he considered being almost too exciting. In the early days Dave would come too soon through just watching. Dave stayed in his trunks until Julie was ready to climax then she would thrust her hand down, ready moisturised and stimulate him. Dave liked to come in his trunks, the warm wet feeling added to his excitement. Always they climaxed close together. Sometimes they did things differently, Dave would finish by masturbating himself while Julie looked on, this was her idea and she would place his hand around his penis and slide it up and down. At first he didn't like to do it but now he does, he can control his own, and Julie's orgasm. Sometimes they climax by fondling each other. Just occasionally Dave will just watch Julie masturbating by fingering herself with one hand whilst playing with her breasts with the other, as she comes he reaches down to finish his own orgasm off.
Winter nights brought a change of style, the candle light. Julie would still slip under the covers with her trainer bra on. When confident with the light she would sit up and raise her arms above her head. This was Dave's cue to lift the bra off her, it being a slip over design with no catch. Though Dave could see the perfect shape of her breasts in the flickering light, he was careful not to stare. Dave would often tease her by not touching her naked breasts at all, just gently sliding the warm bed sheets over them. It was clear that this aroused her. Other times he would use his tongue on her nipples to the point where they were fully erect then soak them in moisturising lotion. Often he would sit up against the head board with her sat, back to him, between his legs. It was a variation or Julie's theme, her breasts were now his, as was everything else. Together they would bring her to a climax before she would roll over and put her penis into his mouth. Julie, unlike most girls, was happy to let Dave ejaculate into her mouth before swallowing it. The warm liquid was something that turned her on, something forbidden.
The night came when Julie decided that she was ready. Dave had already come once, under the careful control of her lips and tongue, he didn't know he was going to come again. After an hour of lying together just relaxing Julie started the foreplay again. Normally Dave was the first to initiate love making, or at least he thought he was. Julie would always give the signals to which he would respond by starting foreplay. She began by applying the massage cream to her tummy, sliding her hand up and under her bra. Her nipples were soon erecting themselves, visible through the fabric still moist from the first application some two hours ago. There is something in the drawer for you she told Dave, at that he knew she was referring to the durex. He rolled over and got one out. As he rolled over he saw Julie sit up and slide off her bra, something he had never seen her do on a summer evening.
Julie got up and walked to the window and drew back the partly closed curtains. "What do you think of me?" asked Julie nervously, turning around to face him. "Perfect, just perfect, small ordinary breasts and I love them" came the reply. It was the right answer, Dave had judged it perfectly. Julie wanted them to be special but not anything unusual. They climbed back into bed and resumed their love making, Julie still dictating the pace. The breast masturbation was better this time, Dave and Julie almost struggling to stroke and play with them. "Put it on" Julie prompted, Dave obliged. He slipped off his trunks and rolled the durex on then climbed on top of her. Gently he inserted himself, Julie was very wet, and he slid in effortlessly. When fully in he looked her in the eye: "comfortable?" Julie smiled her approval and he began his gentle rhythmic thrusting. Soon he was coming and unable to control himself and Julie was stimulated by the animal like behaviour and soon came too. Once done he rolled off.
On reflection this event marked the end of their relationship. It should have brought them together but that wasn't Dave's fault. It was Julie's fault, no my fault, this is my story - I am Julie.
I am now beginning to free myself of this breast phobia. At the age of 27 I can, at last, look at myself nude in the mirror, and I look good. I walk around the house topless if I want to. I still wear a bra at all times outside the house, it will be a long time before I don't. And still the same type of bra, I am comfortable with it and have no need to change. The lady who measures me for new bras has noticed the difference, I don't close my eyes anymore. Dave and I parted on good terms, we still see each other and will cuddle up and watch a good film on TV.
I am now in a lesbian relationship but I don't think it will last. It may sound strange but neither of us are lesbians, Grace is too young to know at 21. It is good sex though but that is all, not very much love between us and we will split in a couple of weeks when I go on holiday. You will want to know what we do but that is between Grace and me, suffice to say that we enjoy each other's breasts and use up a lot of massage lotion. Grace wanted us to buy a double headed dildo to join us with.
That wouldn't work for me, I need a human touch not a machine. I have never used a dildo but respect those who choose to do so. I have discovered more than enough sensuality in my body to not even want to try one. Grace has taken to shaving off her pubic hair and likes it when I use my tongue to arouse her. We have this separatist thing whereby she slouches against the headboard with her legs wide apart. Our only contact is my tongue to her clitoris. It is teaching me a lot about a woman's body, my body. I thought about getting Dave to come around and have three in a bed but that is not the sort of thing we would do, we made love, not had sex. I have learned that my body is a heterosexual body and today Grace is leaving.
Grace has been gone a month now. I am alone but sure that the right man will come along, it wasn't Dave but he was right for the time - thanks Dave. In the meantime I am still masturbating most nights, I prefer that word to w***ing, it describes better what I do. I don't have my slut time anymore, in fact I never drink, I like to be in control over my actions. I have some more rituals now that I am not phobic about my breasts and I will tell you just some of them.
I shower with a brighter light on, I put in a 100w bulb and the room is white. I caress my breasts with moisturising soap until I am tingling, I don't like to get wobbly in the shower. Then I dry myself, watching the slow movements in the mirror. The female human body has wonderful contours and just drying them is erotic for me. Then dry I sit open legged in front of the wardrobe mirror, it is floor to ceiling. Using vitamin E moisturiser I bring myself to near climax on my breasts, I can say pert breasts now, they are, I know because I have seen them. I finish with a raspberry cream moisturiser, it is really to get you supple in the months before child birth but I find the smell and feel delightfully relaxing, like a summer's day.
This cream I use inside my panties, I still like to wear them whilst masturbating, it is so much more saucy, like you are looking at someone else playing with themselves. I start with the outer lips until I can bear it no longer then going to the inner folds but quickly to my clitoris. Very gentle and slow rubbing makes me so wet I can almost scream with excitement. No, not almost scream, I do scream, why shouldn't I, I would if a man were with me ˆ his fingers or mine! I don't know what the neighbours think, they never say anything.
In the evening I still wear my trainer bra, for comfort and support, physically and emotionally, I have worn one for so long now. Over that I will put on my wrap around blouse and, when comfortable in front of the TV, slide my fingers through the gap to my breasts, just like Petra. I am over that now and just relive the tender experience whilst watching TV. I can be caressing my breasts and stroking my nipples almost subconsciously until I that point of arousal. At that point the TV goes off and I will lay back and massage myself into ecstasy, legs open wide and stroking my pantied crotch with the other hand. I have full control over when I come and usually hold this level of stimulation for about ten minutes before sliding both hands down my panties for the big finish.
Now that I am able to see my breasts I like to watch them go in and out of my bras. I can spend almost an hour in front of the mirror choosing which bra to wear. I will adjust the straps, move the cups and slide my hand in to make each breast comfortable. Then I will take it off and put my trainer bra on whilst picking another bra. This is not me being indecisive about what to wear, it is my foreplay. When my nipples have become aroused I will bind them with my bandage to put them out of reach. Then, still in front of the mirror, now with a t shirt on, I will put my hands into my undone jeans. I pretend to be a teenage boy and I play with his girl friend - me. One hand is his, the other mine and I have to show him what to do. He is always a good learner (!) and soon finds the right things to do. I still can't climax standing up so we retire to the bed whereby he brings me to a wet and slow orgasm.
I imagine his reaction, usually he is like Dave and has come into his pants, this being his first petting with a girl.
So that is my story, thank you for sticking with it. It is important to me.
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